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Rasami.com

I wanted to buy the domain "Rasam.com". The person who owns it, wants 3 million dollars for it. I told him that I will get back to him on that. Since my mom, and some other people call me "Rasami", I bought www.Rasami.com. So now you can also go to both www.MetaLRasaM.com or www.Rasami.com and view my "blog" thing E.

the forgotten prom

I drove by a venue that reminded me of a prom that almost happened. This story goes back to like 5 years ago or so. I had started a mistake relationship that I knew wasn’t gonna go anywhere. Right after we started going out, she wanted to take me to her prom, which was in like two weeks. My lack of enthusiasm for formal events is well known among my friends, but a prom was gonna be twice as shitty. Since this whole thing was a bit last minute, she was struggling to find a ticket for me, and after a good week of trying, she realized that we wont be going to the prom as a couple. I was delighted. Not only I didn’t have to dress up, but I also didn’t have to that whole "picture" thing E. I just didn’t wanna be that guy in that picture. I was already working on my "breakup speech", so at least I knew where I was standing. I remember picking her up after the prom and we went to like a park or something. I don’t remember where the park was, but I remember it had like a pond or something. This story might be a bit lame, but when all these things rushed into my head, it was an amazing experience. Like somehow I had blocked this memory in my head, and all of the sudden they all rushed back in. All these pictures came screaming to my face and I was like "woa". I think she was wearing a blue dress. I don’t remember what I was wearing, but I also don’t remember being bitchy, so it must’ve been something comfortable. 

I think it was just knowing that all these "romantic" events would just attach her even more, and eventually hurt her more.

"taking it public"

I knew this girl a while back, and after some stuff, we drifted apart. By "we", I mean me just deleting her from my head. I am pretty good at that. She was going thru some bullshit at the time, and I always felt bad about laying some extra headache on her. This whole thing kinda made me feel guilty. So after a while I gave her a call, to say that I was sorry for being a dick. I was hoping that she wouldn’t pick up and I would have a quick chat with her voicemail. But she picked up. I just told her: "hey listen, I just called to say I’m sorry for being a dick". After her surprised melted away, she told me how she doesn’t think we are "on the same page regarding the apology". At that point, I was like "wtf is she talking about?" After arguing talking for 5 minutes, she said: "you have disappointed me more than once". And I’m like what? That’s bullshit. She tells me how I took our relationship or whatever "public". And I’m just thinking how bullshit that is, cause it really wasn’t anything to take public. So I got pissed off a bit, demanding an explanation. She brings up the most amazing detail ever. "What was that thing you wrote on your blog" she said. I am just kinda scared at that point, thinking about all the stuff I write, and considering how I don’t really read them, it could be a whole bunch of things. "what stuff?" I replied, with a grin in my face, which was hard to hide. "the one you said you were sorry?" and it clicked. She was talking about this:

http://metalrasam.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!3A8A4FA2E14E28DF!731.entry

I’m like "my blog thing E?" she said yes. She 1st gave me this 40 second story how she "stumbled" on it, like I care how she ended up reading it, but anyways…

At this point, I was thinking about what was it that I wrote about her. But before I got the chance to ask her, she brought it up: "sorry that I lead you on…and made you really really like me…then told you that you should date my friend!! hahahaha…I love this one!(at least 2)" . But she didn’t say the "made you really really like me" and the "(at least 2)" part . At this point I was borderline laughing, which was impossible to hide. She got a bit mad, telling me to "wipe that stupid smile off your face". I looked around to make sure she doesn’t have a camera hidden in my car. I brought down the laugh to a smirk and I asked her how the hell is this taking it public? I argued that, if your name is not "******", and read that, you wouldn’t have an idea who this line is referring to. She ignored my solid argument and told me: "and what the fuck was that "haha" you put?" that was it for me. I was gonna piss my pants, cause all I could think about was that Maz Jobrani joke, the one he says "but I put haha!". 4:20 into this video

She got mad, cause I was kinda laughing, and I was just not interested in the convo anymore, cause I said my peace, I felt better about apologizing and I am just selfish like that. So there you have it, writing a comment about MY OWN PERSONAL LIFE, without naming any names, means I am taking it "public".

She also made a sarcastic comment about how I will be writing about this in my blog as well, well I guess she knows me too well. This story is just too funny.

"breathe"

I was flipping thru my notebook, and found a new poem. I don’t remember when I wrote this, but I like it. This one is in English, which means I wrote it at least 5 months ago. The last line is not very clear, but it says: "Turn off your sunset and turn on your sunrise". Again, my hand-writing is shit, but lucky for you guys, I mostly type here. I have a couple of new "poems"…ill just post em later.

the first line says "breathe", so I just named the poem "breathe".

"Breathe,

Wake up and live

wake up and believe

unicorns exist

this life exists

we can make a difference

open your eyes, see

see the world

see the truth

turn off your sunset and turn on your sunrise."

It’s been a while, I know. Life has been happening, and me not having the courage to write.

closed chapter (written a day after 4shanbe soori)

I decided to close that chapter and move on. Felt more like a short story than a chapter, but whatever it was, I feel like its over. It was strange seeing her again. I thought I would get a rush of memories again, but I didn’t. I had all these feelings a couple of days before, but then I saw her, it felt empty. There was just nothing to see. I felt that she was mad at me. I missed her, but not like before. This time it was different…at the same time, I felt like she wants to stay away from me. Usually what happens is that girls try to get over the guy, so they think about all the shitty stuff that he has done in the past, and start to hate him. It usually works. I felt like she was doing that. I don’t do that. I just try to clear my mind and look at present, not the past, nor the future.

I was thinking about it the other day, how it got there…it was weird. Our second year anniversary dinner date was the best date I have ever been on. A 3 hour sitdown between two people that really cared for one another. The food was amazing, the wine was perfect, proper lighting…and two people 100% comfortable with each other. I remember thinking to myself that the past two years, including all the fights and headaches, was worth it to experience a night like this. It was simply magical. But somehow in the next month, everything crashed. It all started with the one thing I hate the most, and grew into a beast. A retarded fight over some stupid pictures. I remember feeling like this was going somewhere. For the 1st time, I felt like this could become something and then she brought up the pictures. It just didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t understand the logic behind it. She made a big deal out of simply nothing. Was it jealousy? I don’t know. All I know is I tried my best to make her feel as special as she was to me. And for that reason alone, I will never understand why she brought it up, why she dragged other people into it, and why she never got the courage to tell me herself. It hurts my head just to think about it. That grew along with the never ending communication problems that we had…plus me over-analyzing every little detail…and then it grew. I became even more emotionally unstable..and closed down even more. Which led to her closing down emotionally as well. And this viscous cycle ended up ruining the relationship. I can’t really blame her for this. I don’t think she can blame me either. I think it was "us" who killed it. The very same people that gave birth to this amazing saga, ended up writing the last chapter.

She is still all over the place. In my room, in my computer, in my car, in my closet, and in my memories. Breakups have been easy on me. I have always been that selfish, cold-hearted, arrogant prick who broke up with other people. Be it a relationship or a friendship, it was always easy. This one was different. It was both, a friendship and a relationship…but sometimes life just doesn’t wait for you…it goes on. So I am doing just that. Going along with life.

perfectly flawed (written sometime last week)

I don’t know how to explain it. You know how you always have these things about yourself that you don’t really like? Habits, or a physical features? Shortcomings that you don’t really like to point out about yourself? Features that you would rather go unnoticed? Well…imagine if comes along a person, who not only notices that small little detail about you, but somehow find it lovely. *sigh* Does that even make sense?

She is just that person. A flawed human being, who happens to not only notice my flaws, but also appreciate them. Imagine a person that you can just sit next to, and not say a single word for minutes if not hours. A girl who can also somehow read your deepest emotions, without even seeing you. She scares me. I feel naked when I’m with her. I feel like I can’t hide my feelings or emotions. Its like she can read my mind.

mirage (written last night and today)

Dear you,

I know I’ve said this before, but I want to say it again. I feel like I am running towards a mirage. I don’t know if its really there, but it looks so amazing that I just can’t ignore it. You, on the other hand, are dealing with a different beast. I try to understand your problem as you try to understand mine. I sometimes wonder if I am to blame? Should I feel bad? Is it my fault? I can’t really talk about it with anyone. Nobody would understand us. So I only tell you how I feel, and you only listen and smile. You make me nervous. My heart races. I try to close my mouth and shut up. It won’t happen. I spill some more. You still just listen…smiling and also blushing. Ohh the blushing. I ask you to please stop me, you ignore. I then ask you to respond, and you tell me that you have nothing to say, cause I have said it all. And that scares me, but fills me with joy. I know you aren’t bullshitting me, cause I feel it. I then hold you. Heart is now officially screaming. I feel calmer as I hold you in my arms. As you lay your head on my shoulder. As I wipe away the tears. Ohh the tears. Somehow your finger finds mine. Nail polish. It feels so hot, yet so cold. I hold your pinky. Feels just like it should. Your hair. The rebel. Your neck. I look you in the eyes, and assure you. I remind you of what you are, who you are, and why you are so different. Then comes the smile. You smile at my most stupid comments, cause you know I have constructed them so that you feel lighter. And you hold on. You grab on to my jokes and lift yourself up. And out comes the big smile, with that nose. Ohh the nose. I kiss you on the face. Compliment you on your salty cheeks. You smile again. And that makes me smile. I run my fingers by your chin. Ohh the chin. I look at you and see the nature. Those eyes, now moist with tears, just look back. They look lighter. You seem lighter. I feel like spider-man, saved the day a bit. People walk by, but I can’t see them. I can hear the footsteps, but when I look around, it is only you that I see. We check for the time. "it better not be after 4" you said. It was 5:40. It really wasn’t the first time, so it wasn’t shocking or surprising, just pleasant. Then we go back to the "real world". I think about you. Think about what just happened. Feels like so long ago, but its been only hours. You called my name, and it was magical. It was different. You are different. I needed different. I send you a song. You don’t just hear it, you listen. You get it. Its too good. It scares me. Shouldn’t be this easy. It really shouldn’t. We sit in the corner again, and just look. Not a single word comes out this time, but I feel like I am having a debate with you. I know exactly how you are feeling and exactly what you are thinking. I smile, cause I know its somehow real, scary but feels really real.

Then your wallet opens. Pictures. Feels like a slap in the face, wakes me up and takes me back to the real world. All this could be a mirage. All this might not be real. All this could vanish.

So please, pretty please, when I arrive, try not to vanish.

"vaay be haale maadaraashoon" (oh, their miserable mothers)

this "poem" was initially only the 1st part, but when I started writing, somehow I couldn’t stop anymore…and the second part was born. I asked the 1st part to name her, but he refused, so I decided to treat them as one. "bbc.com" wasn’t very clear, so I "digitized it" and made some parts a bit more clear. I am too lazy to type them. And also, this is the original draft, so take it as it is

written on February 20th 2008, 3:38pm, during my bio-mechanics class.

"oh, their miserable mothers"

woke up in the morning,

tired of life,

tired of last night,

tired of lust,

tired of my lies,

tired of this exile,

Went on BBC.com

people were still dying

ordinary numbers again

for counting the dead

mathematical numbers

empty numbers

those unlucky (doomed) beings

now all turned into a number

20, 30, 40, 50

their helpless children

oh, their miserable mothers

————————————— (2nd part)

my internet is not censored

I wish that it was

I wish that my heart

was also blind like the rest

I don’t know why the misery

of that miserable Iraqi kid

becomes a part of me

or that disabled American soldier

is tattooed on my brain

if only I could hear but,

not listen to the struggles of the cab driver

if only I could watch but,

not see the 6 year old boy selling gum on the street

"dele man" (my soul)

No back story, no nothing. It just came out, so I inked it down. I had a HUGE spelling mistake that I just noticed…lol, I’m sure I have more…but whatever.

Written on March 12th 2008, during my Bio-mechanics class. (That class iswas my muse!)

"dele man" (my soul)

stupid and doomed                           all the people in the city

naked and empty                             all the trees

cold and frozen                                all the roads

the sky is blue                                 but the bird’s flight is lonely

my soul is also                                 empty and frozen

my soul, like the crow                     flies solo

my soul worries                               mourns for the beggars (homeless)

my soul, with that grape cluster in mind                      drinks the wine with purpose

I think about that poor girl                                take my shoes off, I feel the rug

the scent of death, gives me                           desire to live